you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
