The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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