You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
