hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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