Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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