Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
