he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize