I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
