The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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