My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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