the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
