I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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