Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
