Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
