I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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