Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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