i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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