You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
