Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
