college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
