If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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