god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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