I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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