ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize