I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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