Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
