K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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