It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize