o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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