Apparently you make a good broom.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
