Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
