Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
