The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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