Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
