someone threw a dead crab at me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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