I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
