So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
