i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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