I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
