Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
