so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
