Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize