This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
