the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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