I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
