Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
don't judge my taste in strippers
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
