dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
