I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
