How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
