He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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