I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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