At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
tell me about the fingering
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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