we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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