I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
