i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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