fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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