I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
