Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
