I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
