Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
