my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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