Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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