either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
